Hands up if you become exasperated when tackling DIY in the house? Personally, the heart rate monitor on my watch does a little tango when unexpected events occur like a dripping radiator or a self-assembly which arrives with no instructions and missing bits. When I can’t phone a friend, or call in a professional, I resort to Google, watch a You Tube video, roll my sleeves up and get to work. Most of the time, I come out the other side feeling exceptionally accomplished and pleased with myself having solved the problem. On other occasions, my bank balance reflects the need to rely on someone a little more knowledgeable to step in and help.
Everyone gets frustrated at some point, and young children are not immune to this. We can recognise their frustration through their shouts, screams, cries, and even physical reactions like stamping their feet, or in extreme instances, prostrating themselves fully on the floor. How liberating: I do envy them for this freedom. Sadly, I am now a self-regulating adult, and need to find other ways to control my emotions!
It is perfectly normal to get exasperated when things get tricky and young children are particularly prone to getting upset when they can’t do something. It is on these occasions when it is instinctive for adults to want to step in when their children are frustrated by trying to dress themselves, do up their buttons, or simply put their shoes on the right foot. Often, parents are pressed for time, and there just isn’t the luxury of waiting patiently while their child tries to work through these small problems independently.
Children need to strive and struggle countless times before achieving success, and if we smooth the path and make it easy for them, they miss out on so many golden opportunities to think creatively and capitalise on the magic of learning from their mistakes. They must fail, and then try again, and again, and yet again; protecting them from this experience simply makes it harder for them to manage setbacks later in life. It may seem counter-intuitive when children are so young, but constant adult intervention diminishes a child’s self-efficacy, and their resulting lack of confidence encourages overdependence. Children then lack the motivation to take ownership of their own growth and learning … why do it for myself, if there is always someone to do it for me?
Being a parent is demanding, but investing the time and energy into helping your young child achieve independence during their early years will reap significant dividends further down the line. Children who can dress and organise themselves are going to feel a greater sense of self-efficacy and pride. They will become more emotionally resilient, empowered, and better able to manage setbacks. And best of all, there is less reliance on parents to help with every single little task!
All children are on a journey towards becoming self-regulating, self-reliant adults, and promoting frustration competency teaches them how to manage and navigate difficult emotions which emanate from disappointment, frustration and anger. Helping your child develop frustration tolerance takes time, but with consistent support and encouragement, they will get there.
Here are some tips to help develop these skills:
- Model Calm Reactions: Children learn from observing adults. Model how you stay calm by verbalising your thoughts, for instance, “I’m feeling frustrated, but I’m going to take a deep breath and think of a solution.”
- Encourage Problem-Solving: When children face frustration, guide them towards solving the problem instead of rescuing them. Ask questions like, "What can we do to try and fix this?" or "Is there another way to do this?"
- Label and Normalise Emotions: Help children identify and express their emotions. You can say, “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated because the toy won’t work. That’s OK. Let's figure out what we can do next.” Let children know that feeling frustrated is a normal part of learning and growing. Share stories about your own challenges and how you overcame them.
- Allow Safe Failure: Let children experience frustration without immediately intervening. This helps them learn that challenges are a normal part of life and that they can overcome them.
- Break Tasks into Small Steps: Frustration comes from overwhelming tasks. Break activities into them into smaller, manageable steps, for instance, “I’ll do 3 buttons, and you do the next three.”
- Encourage Perseverance: Praise effort rather than success. “You’re trying so hard, and that’s what matters!” This teaches children to focus on effort and persistence rather than the outcome.
- Acknowledge and Celebrate Small Wins: Recognise small victories, even if the outcome isn’t perfect. This reinforces a child’s ability to cope with challenges.
- Read Stories about Perseverance: Books with characters who face and overcome challenges can provide relatable examples. Discuss how the characters handle their frustration and the lessons they learned.
Head of Lower School